LOST

Last Saturday while the Duke of Fiji was bungee jumping off London Bridge, his precious terrier, who answers to the name of Tinker, ran away. The Duke is offering a reward of €110, 000 for his return. When asked to describe Tinker the Duke told our reporters that the dog has red eyes, a purple nose and pink stripes. "You might recognise him from the film Cats and Dogs", said the Duke. "Of course he looked different then". When asked why he thought the dog had run away, the Duke said "I am surprised. He loves bungee jumping. Last week Tinker jumped with me off the Eiffel Tower".

THREE LEGS ARE BETTER THAN TWO

Last Saturday at Croke Park a new style of football was seen for the first time. Gary White, the new wonder footballer scored 10 goals, a record for his team. Gary is unusual because he has three legs. He has a good advantage to win even though he isn't very skilled. Their is a rumour that Gary is really an alien from another planet.

CHEAT

Professor O'Dorherty has invented six robot girls and programmed them to perform Irish dancing. Their amazing performance won the competition but later on a neighbour told our reporters that the professor couldn't help bragging about what he had done. We thought that it was unfair and the competition organisers took the trophy away. Yesterday night, the professor broke into the building and stole the trophy. It is thought that he ran home but he has now disappeared. If you see him, please call 999. The trophy is desperately needed so that it can be given to the real winners.

WHO OR WHAT?

What is this thing and where did it come from? It could be just a new type of fire alarm and it does have a loud siren. In fact, this machine is a new type of spy camera. It has stripes so that it can take pictures through walls and air vents in the wierdest way. Cookery experts are very interested in this invention because they want to put it in other peoples' kitchens to steal their recipes.

STARVING!

Shocking David Beckham was caught trying to eat a football during the match yesterday. It turns out that Victoria was on a diet and she did not want him eating lots of food in front of her. Instead, she put locks onto all the presses so that he couldn't get at the food. After he had eaten the football he was taken to the hospital but he was found to be alright once he had been fed well. He is now at home again and Victoria told our reporter that he was a baby not to be able to go without eating for a while. She said that she was giving him all of Brooklyn and Romeo's baby food to eat. We can now tell you that Victoria has lost three pounds and is letting him eat again.

MOTHER AND BABY

The new "Mother and Baby" Volkwagon vans are now available. These new sleek VWS will be on the roads in no time. Have you ever got ready for a holiday and found that you arrived unprepared? Never fear! The new compact 'double van' uses satellite navigation to keep the two vehicles together without a second driver. Now you can pack as much as you like and if you have too much, pack it into the baby van. It can hold a ton of luggage and two persons. The maximum headroom is five foot ten. The interior has padded leather seats with built in human waste disposal units so you can strap yourself in and keep on going. The waste is cleverly deposited into an eight-foot septic tank inside the baby van by a highly flexible umbilical cord. The mother van has sleek traction control and electronically enhanced steering. Included is an internal cleaning system which brushes the drivers' teeth, washes his face and feeds him 'Red Bull' when required. The people carrier is well worth the 150,000 euros and is available at quality dealers.

SCARE!

Yesterday there was a big scare when someone thought that the President, Mary Mc'Alese was about to be attacked with a large stick by her own bodyguard. In his uniform he looked very handsome but was he what he seemed? Was he the man she thought he was? It was a mistake and there was no threat. It was raining and her bodyguard was carrying a new type of highly transparent umbrella.